Back to joy

Two weeks ago, we found out I was pregnant.

A week later, we lost the baby.

Grief and suffering do not even begin to describe what I have felt in the week since. I have gone from joy and excitement and anticipation to grief and pain and feeling as if my heart has been torn in two. But the God of compassion--who loves me infinitely more than I can fathom--has brought me back to joy again. And now I'm ready to talk about it. Because through this suffering, He has shown his love, his mercy and his grace to me in ways I might not have otherwise realized.

When we first suspected that I was having a miscarriage, I wept and pleaded for a miracle, and the Lord brought a song into my head that we've sung once before in church. Through the words of this old hymn, God comforted me and gave words to my pain.

Out of the depths I raise to thee the voice of Lamentation
Lord turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication
If thou shouldst count our every sin
Each evil deed or thought within
O who could stand before thee?

To wash away the crimson stain grace, grace alone prevaileth
Our works, alas, are all in vain, in much the best life faileth
For none can glory in Thy sight
All must alone confess Thy might
And live alone by mercy.

Therefore my trust is in the Lord and not in my own merit
On God my soul shall rest; God's word upholds my fainting spirit.
God's promised mercy is my fort
My comfort, and my strong support
I wait for it with patience.

What though I wait the live-long night, and till the dawn appeareth
My heart still trusteth in God's might, it doubteth not nor feareth
So let the Israelites in heart
Born of the Spirit do their part
And wait till God appeareth.

What I found, as I prayed for God to uphold my fainting spirit, was that He did. As I searched his Word for comfort and for answers, I was reminded over and over that He loved me and He understood my suffering. Finding comfort in His word did not take away the pain I felt, nor did it lesson my suffering. Instead, it made it bearable, and it showed me I still had hope.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." - Psalm 19:14

From the moment I knew about the new little life being formed inside of me, I prayed as I have for all my children, that his or her life would be one that would glorify the Lord. God heard those prayers, and though this baby's life will not play out the way I had hoped, I have begun to realize that those prayers can still be answered.

In the way I grieve, in the way I share my suffering with others, in the way I live my life after this loss, God can be glorified through this child's brief life. In the few short days I knew about this child, I had begun imagining, anticipating the life we would have together. I thought about the logistics of sleeping arrangements and car rides, of cuddling and nursing this little one while Abby and Caleb played together. I miss this child. I mourn for this child that I never saw, never held and will never know. But I cannot live a life of mourning.

"Jesus fell on his face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.'" - Matthew 26:39

How desperately I prayed that this cup of sorrow would not be mine to drink! But God is working something out for good in all of this (Romans 8:28), and every detail of this child's life, and death, is part of God's sovereign plan. I have found so much comfort in knowing that God has a purpose for this, even if I can't see it yet, and even if I never will.

"For your formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." - Psalm 139:13-16

God has told us in his word that He is the Author and Giver of life. I rejoice for the life of this child I'll never know, because my baby was fearfully and wonderfully made. This child's life was not an accident, nor was the loss of that life. God numbers all of our days, and that number just happened to be much smaller for my little one than I had expected. I know nothing happens outside of His perfect plan, and therefore I know that, be it ever so painful, this is His perfect plan for me.

I do not mean to minimize my grief, or the grief of anyone who has lost a child for any reason. There is no word but absolute sorrow to describe the pain I feel that I will never meet, never hold this little one.

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief, my soul and body also." - Psalm 31:9

God has been, and will continue to be gracious to me. He has loved me so, so tenderly through this pain. Drawing near to Him, and knowing He is drawing near to me, has brought me exactly the comfort I've needed to get through this; it doesn't remove my sorrow, but knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me and cares for me has helped me deal with it, and has helped me get stronger every day as I try to recover from my loss.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18"

God has truly spoken directly to my heart through His word this week, in a way that I don't think I've realized before. His scriptures have become real and personal and applicable in ways that they might not otherwise be. And for that I am so, so grateful!

"'Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor!...For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." - Isaiah 54:1, 10

I've wondered, and even felt guilty at times this week, about simply moving on. How can I joke with friends about trivial things, or celebrate my son's birthday when just days ago I couldn't stop sobbing for the loss of this little one inside of me? But God has reminded me over and over again that my source of strength, of hope, and of joy cannot be found, or lost, in any of His blessings--even the blessing of a child.

No, my strength, my hope and my joy are in the Lord, and His steadfast love will not depart from me! My suffering is great, and my sorrow is real, but His love and compassion are greater still, and it is because of the hope that is within me that I can walk through this season of suffering "pressed but not crushed...struck down but not destroyed."

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!' In all this, Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." - Job 1:20-22

I still have sorrow over this little one, and I still struggle with how to mourn someone I never knew. I still wonder when I'll stop crying, and I know that I will probably always miss this child, though the pain is already starting to fade a little. But through this trial, through all the uncertainties and unanswered questions, one thing has remained constant. Christ's love for me has not changed. I serve a great and awesome God, a God who ordered these steps for me in His perfect and infinite wisdom; a God who knows my pain, and who is carrying me through it.

In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace; When fears are stilled, when strivings cease;
My Comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save.
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid, Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay. Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious Day, Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine, Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me.
From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand.
‘Til He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.