Abby, our firstborn, had the benefit/curse of receiving 100 percent of my attention at all times for the first 17 months of her life. And at present, I have a slightly obsessive compulsive, extremely perfectionistic four-year-old with zero tolerance for failure to show for it.
Caleb, the second to emerge from my womb, received, on average, about 60-70 percent of my attention. Abby was fairly well-behaved, and didn't want or require much input from me, so I was able to spend a good deal of time correcting and instructing my eldest son in the ways of our household. The other 30-40 percent of the time, he either did what he was supposed to or got away with what went unseen. This unavoidable and inconsistent parenting resulted in a kind, clever and often sneaky two-year-old who volleys between perfect obedience and total defiance. There's really not much middle ground with him.
Jacob, meanwhile, is on the fast track to total freedom. He wanders throughout the downstairs with his sippy cup in hand, alternately gulping and dripping milk wherever his little feet take him. (I recall a time when I maintained my Food Stays in the Kitchen Rule and my We Sit Down to Eat or Drink Rule with absolute authority.) He steals toys from siblings and gets away with it. He makes messes and does not clean them up. He throws food from the table. Heck, I've even been known to cook up a few chicken nuggets to fill his belly if he doesn't like what we're eating for dinner.
And all the while, I am screaming inside: "I'm the mommy! I'm in charge! You will sit down to drink that milk, you will not take toys without asking, we are going to clean up those blocks you dumped out, I'm taking your food away if you're going to play with it, and you will eat what is served to you!"
But the words seldom make it to my lips. Perhaps it's because he flashes us that adorable smile with every misdeed. But I suspect is has more to do with birth order than that little cherubic face of his.
So I set my mind to solving this. I made that cute little face, and I will not be suckered in by it anymore.
I started with my We Sit Down to Eat or Drink Rule. (Baby steps, people. One rule at a time.) Abby and Caleb do a great job modeling this for him, so I figured it would be the easiest to enforce. And today, we finally had a breakthrough. He toddled into the kitchen, screaming and pointing at the empty sippy cup on the counter.
"If you want some milk, you need to go sit down on the mat," I told my 15-month-old. I felt like an idiot. I'm pretty sure my husband rolled his eyes. Jacob continued to scream and point.
I would not be swayed. I retrieved the milk, filled the cup, and held it over the spot where I wanted his bottom to land.
"If you want some milk, you need to sit down right here," I told him again. Then I sat his milk on the counter, and walked away.
He screamed. He threw himself on the floor. He pulled up on my legs and pleaded with his eyes for me to just give him the milk already.
I pried myself from his clutch and walked over to the mat.
"Sit down," I said, firmly enough that Abby and Caleb stopped what they were doing and sat where the were in the living room.
And then, to my surprise, Jacob wandered over to where I'd pointed, and sat.
I handed him the milk, and thanked him profusely for validating my authority.
I think we're making progress.
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