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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

For the fellas

I'm about to cross a couple fine lines here, so I'm going to be very, very careful.

Fine line number one involves the pledge of confidentiality I've made to all the women I've ever been in a covenant group or Bible study with. I will not break this pledge in this blog entry. But I might come close.

Fine line number two involves being careful not to grumble about my husband or my marriage. If, when you're done reading this, you think that's what I'm doing, you're wrong. I love my husband, and I love my marriage. They are, in fact, my two favorite things. (Don't worry, my daughter is very next on that list.)

Now it's time to tie those two fine lines together. I read this article on loving your wife today and felt obligated to pass it on. In all the time I've spent getting to know the hearts of my married female friends, I've come to realize that we all deeply desire to be loved by our husbands. Seems like a no-brainer, right? But the author of this article hits the nail on the head by clarifying that this desire is in fact a yearning to be not just loved, but cherished. What a great word. What more could a woman ask for than to be cherished by her husband? For in this one word, we are cared for, provided for, loved, honored, respected, encouraged, and constantly reassured of his love.

So for the the sake of all my married girlfriends, I'm passing this article on in hopes that their husbands will read it, and that they will constantly seek out new ways to cherish their wives. (Come on guys...these ladies are some of my best friends. You and I both know how great she is...so why not show her?)

You can read the article by clicking here.

3 comments:

  1. AnonymousFebruary 6, 2008 at 9:47 AM

    You Fishes know my M.O. with my wife better than most, and my particular weakness in this area. For those who don't, I tend to be pretty lukewarm and casual, rather than torrid or even reguarly romantic. It's a weak point in our generally good marriage.

    I've got a mentor right now with whom I was talking about a conversation Shelley and I had. I don't know if it's his years of marriage, or his being an elder or what, but that guy was extremely perceptive. He discerned from my second-hand account that my wife is desirous of the kind of care you and this article describe (despite its being tangential to the conversation we discussed). His feeling that it really is important, and not just one of the billions of things in marriage that are ostensibly "important," and his exhortation to really do something about it, though, meant a lot more to me than anything else I'd heard; more even the requests of my wife.

    There's something about an impartial third party whose opinion one respects that can motivate change better than anything else. When my wife has asked me to say nice things, my natural thought is "Well sure, who wouldn't want to hear nice things? I wish people said nice things to me too." Pretty callous, I guess. My failing is probably in the same place so many other people's is: I don't appreciate that she values it much more than I do, and so I make occasional efforts to indulge her whim before assuming that it's taken care of and resuming my blase approach.

    I've read the love languages book, and snippets of a million marriage books. I realize that women in general and my wife in particular are different than I am, but all the books' general advice, all the articles telling me things I've heard before, all the sermons, and all the people keeping me accountable to be nice to my wife fell on deaf ears so long as I consider other opinions pretty cheap. Chances are pretty good that you do too. A funny, but sort of profound statement of this would be "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." Unrequested opinions on how to change your behavior are not likely met with enthusiasm. My realization came only when i found someone whose talk wasn't cheap, because I valued the opinion of him who gave it.

    I guess the point of my story is that this is important, but if you're like me then an unsolicited article, blog post, or reply to a blog post likely lacks the sharpness to penetrate the indifferent shell of your heart. But, that someone took the time to write the article, the blog post, and the reply should open your eyes to the fact that that wives do want this crazy stuff, and that it might be legit after all. It took a revered mentor for me to believe it and take it seriously. I encourage everyone to find a way to convince your heart to read articles like that with an earnest interest in serving your wife.

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  2. AnonymousFebruary 6, 2008 at 10:26 AM

    This is a great article. I just discovered your blog a few days ago on facebook. You are such an engaging writer (which I knew from our "Forum" days) and I've enjoyed hearing what you have to say. Plus, Abby is quite possibly the cutest kid I've ever laid eyes on. :) Anyway, thank you for this post, I really enjoyed the article and forwarded it on to my own husband. Hope you're having a great day!

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  3. ChristinaFebruary 6, 2008 at 10:52 AM

    Evanda--I think this weak point you speak of in your marriage is far more common than most men would ever admit, and in fact the tendencies that incline most husbands to such inaction can be traced back to the fall, when Adam stood idly by and let his wife run headlong into disaster without intervention from the one whom God had commanded should care for, instruct and look after her. And so it has been, ever since, that men will tend toward silence, and women will tend toward overt fits of independence--neither of which is conducive to a harmonious marriage.

    But it is the fact that you know that this weak point exists in yourself that I wish to address. Because for as long as we've known you and prayed for you on this issue, I have known that you are one step farther along than most men in your sanctification in this area of your marriage. While you may find yourself frustrated with your poor performance, it is then, my friend, that you can know with full confidence that God is at work to build you into the husband that you desire to be for the wife that He's blessed you with. For is not His power made perfect in our weakness?

    I'm so glad you've found a mentor to challenge and encourage you in this area. And Shelley is blessed to have a husband willing to submit himself to such accountability.

    ~Christina

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